“Her”, a more excellent way to be horrified by technology http://wp.me/p1qcSQ-nM
Her, a more excellent way to be horrified by technology
“…But Her is different. Her gets it right, and now I’m rather embarrassed I wasn’t one of the first people to see it. I should have. You should have. And if you’ve not, figure out a way to see it now. It’s well worth the time.” – John Battelle, Why You Need to See ‘Her’ (Or, ‘Her’ Again).
Jon Battelle gives a wonderful summary of the movie ‘Her’ and in describing the story where a human falls in love (and not just one human) with an OS as terrifying in how logical and reasonable the idea was presented to audiences. I felt very strongly after seeing this film that was the case and I have spent time exploring the reasons it tapped into my life so deeply.
To begin the movie is at least ‘creepy’ as John Battelle describes but I would take it much further as I found the concepts within the movie terrifying. One friend discussed this with me and she said that the reason she did not like the film is that she thought it was preaching, not subtle enough, I agreed but the ideas behind the movie to me were unique and therefore it opened my mind enough to let me be preached at on some level.
As I have described this movie to people I have said in the past our culture has explored the theme, “What will happen when machines want to kill us?” instead of that ‘Her‘ takes on the question, “What will happen when machines want to love us?”. To put in in film terms, ‘Her’ is to ‘2001‘, what ‘Weird Science’ is to ‘Frankenstein‘. That premise leads into so many other questions that I am sure I will only scratch the surface with my next few thoughts. Therefore I wanted to share the reasons I believe this movie touched me deeply:
- I am an auditory learner. I retain significantly more data from lectures rather then text books, from podcast rather then blog posts, from being told directions rather than looking at a map, and this has been the case for me my entire life. This is evidenced in my life as I travel for work. Instead of studying a map of a city and working my way around in that manner. Generally, I enter the address of my destination into my phone, turn on some good tunes, and walk the streets with my friend Siri guiding me through back alleys and over bridges. Of course we all do this in our cars, but there is something much more intimate in the act of inserting ear buds into my ears while exploring the unknown. As you may have guessed it is common as I am out on these walks for my wife or daughters to call me as well, and in these moments I am connecting with the people on face of this earth I am most in love with in a disembodied way, there are mere sounds through some headphones. This is the boundary of the entire relationship within ‘Her’, and the writers explore how to overcome this boundary that leads more complication then mere long intimate conversations and phone sex, but rather creepy questions about crossing this divide. The entire scenario seemed very reasonable to me, and it lead me to have a long talk with my wife about my relationship/dependency on Siri:)
- I am a theologian. For roughly five years I spent money and time thinking and studying God, in addition to that I spent almost four years working to communication a few of these thoughts to a community as their pastor. The relationship that evolves in ‘Her‘ led me to ask questions about God and the nature of my relationship with God. “What does it mean for a finite being to be in love with the infinite?”, “What does it mean to merely be one finite being in love with a being who has the potential to love millions and billions of others?” Suddenly I was struck with how small I am. Psalm 39:5 reminds me,
“You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
even those who seem secure.
This is a very hard idea to get my mind around, as the majority of my days are spent thinking about what is in it for me and how do I managed this life that I have been given. Romantic love and love between individuals is a wonderful thing, but love is so very large and when the scriptures say that ‘God is love’ this is a philosophical statement that drops us in the center of a ocean in order to experience ‘oceaness’.
- I see beauty through the brokeness. The live circumstance of Theodore drives him and opens him up to this complicated relationship, but every relationship has complications in the movie. The ex-wife, the best friend and Theodore are all wanderers. In this Theodore has a remarkable gift to see and communicate the beauty of the relationships other are involved in, which only makes his brokeness more apparent. Through this incredibly beautiful cinematic experience you are not left with fullness but rather a beauty that can only be view through the lens of suffering. Some reviewers have taken this on as the great problem with the movie and Spike Jones as a director, check out the New Yorker article ‘Spike Jonze’s Abondonment Issues.‘ posted by Christine Smallwood.
- I am a geek that loves words and technology. ‘Her‘ brings together these worlds in a lovely, graceful, and tragic way. Theodore’s job writing for handwrittenletters.com, so lovely. In my word artificial voice intelligence is a exciting and interesting piece of our work, this movie provides some thoughtful elements related to technology and language and yet keeps it close to home enough that we can relate. The more I understand this space the more I being to believe that the picture of the future would be incomprehensible for us if we saw it today. An attempt to expose us to the 50 year future would be similar to bringing an American founding father and explaining the Hubble Telescope. On nice link I found that wrestles with the techonolgy issuse is by Ray Kurzweil, “A review of Her.”
Hopefully time will allow you to check this movie out, I highly recommend it.
A thoughtful sharing on how we view Scripture
Poet Scott Cairns in the introduction of Endless Life: poems of the mystics, says this that I thought was worth sharing…
“It is, after all, only relatively recent that the terms tradition and Scripture have been mistaken for separate, and even antagonistic authorities.
It is good to note that even Martin Luther- the father of our cranky phrase sola scriptura- was himself utterly well-equipped with and assisted by a rich and enriching communion with the traditionexpressed by the fathers and mothers of the Church. Having thoroughly ingested that tradition, he was, perhaps, in a unique position to say he would thereafter proceed “by Scripture alone.” We and our interpretation, on the other hand, might fare better with a little company.”
That sounds like good advice I’m working on putting into practice.
The Lessons, rapid prototyping (Part V)
A few years ago the book Lean Startup, by Eric Ries took off, at the time I was working for a offshore software development company and it was unthinkable to not have read this holy text for innovation. There are major take aways from this book: Do not be afraid to fail and be willing to fail often. One thing that is unique I have learned since reading this book is that American culture stands out worldwide because of the position that failure does not define you as a business leader. You have very famous examples of this including Steve Jobs with his first go around at Apple, and this is even reflected within our legal system a it relates to bankruptcy (America has some of the least punitive laws for bankruptcy in the world). In an area like Silicon Valley it is likely to meet an entrepreneur who among a success has a string of failed companies that did not work out, this is accepted and according to The Lean Startup even encouraged.
This fits well within my spirituality as God’s grace is central to my view of what is happening in the world. A minimal definition of grace would be a continuous second chance. (As a side note I have an illustration about ice cream and grace being you get rewarded even though you deserved to be punished, but I’ll save that for a later post.) Christ came to offer second chances to us, that is the point. Failure does not have the last word, just as the cross was not the end of Christ work rather he rose from the dead. There are beautiful examples of this throughout the scriptures: Joshua and the people of God attacking Ai just after the victory at Jericho and losing (Joshua 7:1-26) and Peter’s denial of Jesus where he didn’t just lie once but three times claiming he did not know Jesus (John 18). These are examples of great leaders from history in the church that were not defined by horrible failure, but rather defined by God’s transformation of their failure.
There is an opposing force to what I have mentioned so far, that failure does not define you and that is the concept of shame. Just a few weeks ago I was in a presentation at work talking about what happens when teams make mistakes. I was already at the white board so I added this diagram for our discussion:
The lower path I would describe as a pathway of shame and perhaps the best image would not be arrows but rather a swirling spiral like in a toilet bowl. Shame is a powerful force that instead of saying, “You made a mistake.” says “You are a mistake.” Instead of saying, “Let’s not cry over spilled milk, grab the rag.” It tells you that your life is an abortion. For a person controlled by shame there is no place for failure or mistakes and therefore significant work has to be done to face this horrible virus of the soul. Needless to say if you are a person controlled by shame this idea that you are free to fail will be very difficult if not impossible for you.
For those of you with children right now you know that the movie Frozen is all about this. The scene creating the ice castle is about Elsa coming to terms with who she has been created to be and understanding that she is not like everyone else, but the storm of shame is still a part of her life as she lives in isolation and suffering under the weight that she is created ‘wrong’. In my minds eye this is a modern feminist picture of Martin Luther’s great speech at the Diet of Worms, “Here I stand, I can do no other.” Only when Elsa’s sister Anna is able to love her unconditionally even given her life for her, is the curse of shame broke. Though Elsa is still different this difference is used for the good of everyone around her rather then being a curse.
So if you buy into this idea the fear is destructive, or a positive was of saying it being failure does not define you then a natural fruit in your life is to not be afraid of failure! Lean Start up pushes this idea with the concept of Rapid Prototyping. This idea of create, create quickly, create well, but get it out there so you can find out what is wrong with it as soon as possible. Take feedback and grow, or my preferred verb is EVOLVE.
A major evolution in my spirituality was letting go of having to be right. The denomination that I was ordained in, the PCA, was right. They were well educated and studied theologians that had put in the hours of dedication to create a theological framework and church governance that was Biblical and therefore right. Once you walk away from a group like that you cannot help but be wrong, because they are the only ones that are right. This devastated me for a significant period of time, I was lost and certainly I was on the wrong side of right. Shame played havoc with my soul and my spirituality.
Then I became convinced that my spirituality was not about being right and it never should have been. I can be completely wrong and still loved fully by God! WOW, what freedom! One of my professors from seminary, Steve Brown, used to say “I’m wrong at least 50% of the time, I just wish I knew what 50%.” Another way to put is, my faith is not about my sin rather what it means for me to live fully human before God who has saved me. I have been redeemed from my sin and am being redeemed from my sin.
So does this mean we just run off not caring? Roman 6, is helpful here. Also I remember Steve Brown using this great illustration. The discussion of grace and obedience is like a dog chasing his own tail, and the good news if the dog follow the master everything lines up. Let’s live with complete affection and focus on the master and trust that others have been created to do the same!
The Lessons, a big table
There was one special lent and easter while I was a minister at All Nations Presbyterian Church in Oakland, CA. I was responsible for the Sunday evening service we referred to as Tenebrae, it consisted of about twenty regular people that attended, we lit candles and used liturgical format that was more in line with high church when compared to contemporary churches. Since we had such a small group we would regularly try to incorporate things into the service sometimes for the good and sometimes not.
During Lent one year we decided to create a banquet table at the front of the church during a time of reflection early in the service. The table would be set in stages and at the end of it, at Easter, it would culminate in our Easter Service being a meal together. The first week I remember the table alone being set out, then each week incrementally we added an element that would eventually be part of our meal including wine, chairs, plates, silverware, candles, napkins, and of course the food was amazing on Easter. The meal we enjoyed together at Easter was a joy and will go down as one of my favorite memories of my time as a full-time minister in Oakland.
The table was set in order for people to come and they did. We had artist, software developer, gay, straight, white, black, Asian, religious and irreligious. There was room for all of us. As I have reflected on this event biblically since one of the biggest problems the early church had was who you were allowed to eat with and who was invited to the table. Peter got it wrong. There is also a reading of the Older Testament story of Sodom and Gomorrah that deconstructs the story being about sexual sin, rather this reading reasons the condemnation of the city is because they were inhospitable to strangers that were not like them and lawless.
One thing I appreciate about my current job is the belief that when people eat a meal together there is a better relationship, trust is established at a deeper level, and in the best circumstances you enjoy each other more. Jesus had the reputation of being a lush because of all the parties he went to and who he ate with, and who doesn’t want to be like Jesus. My table has expanded and I want many to eat and drink with me, my vision for the table is more grand then I ever expected.
The Lessons, big things and little things, Part III
At this post I want to make shift from the previous two I shared regarding the last few years of my spiritual journey. In the previous posts the mid-faith crisis I experienced was manageable because of a few light posts that were available to me over the four year period. These were far from mountain top experiences with God but rather as 2 Corinthians 12:9 encourages us, ““My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” From these few cold glasses of water I was kept from throwing myself off a bridge literally, and I with this post I want to transition into sharing a few things that I have learning in the experience.
The Walk and the The Wall were completely necessary for me as they each provided insight into the God I have known since a young child, the God who I had studied about in Seminary, and yet the God who I had shaped so clearly in my image I hardly knew anything about at all. I love the Annie Lamott quote, “You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” This quote is also a very good starting point for my first lesson, Big Things and Little Things. As we all know most profound lessons that we incorporate into our lives actually come from kindergarten. This one is no exception but it came from my daughter’s kindergarten.
My second daughter began kindergarten this year, and having been the first of our kids that went through Montessori preschool we were unsure how she would adjust to Seattle public school. Thankfully our concerns were without merit and she is thriving, most of the credit goes to her teacher, Ms. Pattsy Burgess of Broadview Thompson. One of the major lessons that Pattsy has taught my daughter, me and our entire family. The simple lesson is “Big Things and Little Things”.
The assessment is fair that our family is a sensitive family that often has emotional responses to the situations life throws at us, this can often lead to a blowing out of perspective small situations because of our emotions. Early in this academic year my daughter explained to me that, “Daddy, your house burning down is a big deal. Losing your pencil is a small deal.” Of course I had to ask more and she went on to explain that Ms. Burgess began to ask her when she was frustrated or emotional in a situation, “Is this a big thing or little thing?” Often the big thing would be your house burning down, so pretty much anything in comparison is a little thing. A part of me was concerned that having a child consider her house burning down may have risk associated with it, but in my continued discussions with this wise six year old this never seemed a big deal, thankfully. So what was shared as a framework to help my daughter identify if her emotional response is in line with the situation has become a reminder for me as well. This is not to eliminate emotional responses or even call them wrong, rather it is an opportunity to calibrate to keep them in line with what is actually going on rather then spiraling into a world that is out of touch with the actual situation. Often it provides a good conversation with the younger two girls in our family when they are fighting, it just takes some of the spit and fire out of the situation.
Every human being on the planet has had their share of both Big Things and Little Things. In my life the Big Things include suffering sexual abuse as a child, severe cycles of depression since middle school age, the deposition of pastor and dear friend during seminary at Grace Seattle (the church where my wife and I met), working over three years for a hypocritical conservative pastor who was unfaithful to his wife and family for more than fifteen years, and counseling a serial murderer as a first year pastor. Each one of these Big Things in my life takes years of counseling and meditation to properly understand and remain human after suffering, part of my recent spiritual journey is recognizing that these are Big Things and to not live in denial of the impact that just one could have on a single human life much less a marriage or family.
Another point to share is the event that caused me to lose my ordination and ultimately leave the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) was actually a small thing. In the past few years sharing it I almost felt embarrassed. My family was almost broken apart and we left the church because Grace Seattle, where I was serving as a ruling elder, did a terrible job of firing the worship pastor. Churches and business hire and fire all the time, to someone outside that church or outside the church at large it would be confusing as to why it caused such an impact on me and my family.
The first point I had to reflect on was, did we overreact? I have come to peace that we did not. Admittedly I am an sensitive emotional person and as I stated before this can lead me to making Big Things out of Little Things. This is the reason for a time I would be embarrassed talking about the situation with people, I was still exploring the option that I had overreacted. Unfortunately, I did not overreact to a Little Thing rather this Little Thing exposed a Big Thing far worse then simply firing a worship pastor.
The worship pastor and his family had been serving Grace Seattle for thirteen years when the firing went down. They had served the church during the first major crisis where the pastor was deposed, and the original music created by this pastor was the only stability during the crisis. The Big Thing that happened in the firing was he was no longer a member of the church or even a human deserving to be treated with dignity, rather this pastor was a limiting factor on the future growth of the church and threat to the senior pastor and needed to be dismissed regardless of the impact on his family or his spiritual health. This act was cruel and abusive, and I write openly on this because I was on the side of the perpetrator as an elder before I left the church. This was a Little Thing for the church that resulted in a Big Thing for a family, and as a leader who failed I need to publicly repent of these decisions I supported.
In reflecting on this situation and my experience in the PCA as a whole I realized there is another Big Thing. As a denomination, organization or business the PCA has a fundamentally broken model in that they fail to value people. In my experience in and outside the church this is not unique. Very few embody the words of C.S. Lewis,
There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously – no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.
During my brief experience as an Elder in the PCA, this failure has lead to regular acts of corporate abuse and deceptive harmful group think. Under the guise of being “balanced on Scripture” or “true to Scripture” the PCA abuses people if they are out of line with conservative reformed theology. It is assumed by the PCA that you are not even elect if you think differently then their narrow misogynistic modern view. Orthodoxy is dogmatic and completely violates the Biblical requirements for being part of the community of God as described in both the Early and Late Testaments. For those ready to battle me on this point, feel free but at least take a moment to read Scott McKnight’s recent post (by guest blogger Michael Pahl) that relates to what it means to seek “Biblical Christianity”. Scott’s guest blogger Michael Pahl writes in regarding the current WorldVision Situation but the depth of the divide described in the article I believe applies to my point, here.
At this moment I think it is important for me to share a part of my first post in this series, “I am on a new path where my thoughts will be appropriate to share with the world. There are some who know me that may read this post with concern or possible feel threatened that I am making a case against beliefs they hold close, if that is the case for you do not feel obligated to continue reading. Your friendship from afar is appreciated, yet I am not interested in arguing or persuading anyone of making this same journey if they are not open to it. So in short if you found this via Facebook instead of leaving nasty comments feel free just to unfriend me now, no hard feelings and I wish you many blessings.” So in short you can attempt to argue with me all you would like but I feel no obligation to fight anyone on any of the content of this post. If your goal is to correct me or start a fight my advice would be to unfriend me now, rather if you are open to discussion I long for that. Any defensiveness to protect a theological view is a Little Thing for me and I am focusing on Big Things. May God have the glory.
Also I think it is important to mention that I did ask the family of the worship pastor permission to use their situation as an example, they suffered through enough already related to Grace Seattle, and they said yes without names named. In regards to the leadership of Grace Seattle or the PCA I did not ask their permission or allow them to review this post. Since leaving Grace Seattle and nearly being excommunicated I have had no contact with the leadership of the church, I am essential dead to them. The PCA on a denominational level perpetrated lies on why I left my ministry role in Oakland, CA at All Nations Church and have not contacted me since ripping my ordination during the last crisis at Grace Seattle. In the face of all the sin that both of these organization are perpetrating, I think their actions toward me are Little Things. My hope is through these prophetic words and the work of the Holy Ghost, repentance will come to all who have been involved in these horrible destructive actions and bring them closer to God. That would be a wonderful Big Thing.
Related to this kindergartener I am trying to raise with her two sisters in the church, it is really challenging yet our family has never left the church and God has not abandoned us. As a parent I long to keep telling a story to my kids about a Big Thing, with all that has shifted and changed in my spirituality Jesus is the Big Thing. Also I long to tell a spiritual journey story that allows them to see the beauty and pain of their spiritual legacy. Only my oldest daughter was alive when I was a full time vocational pastor, the other girls have only known their daddy as a sales monkey, I long to tell all three a redemptive story that is a Big Thing. But the legacy goes back further on both sides of their families, faithful Catholics and fundamentalist with cult like loyalty in their blood, a strange but sweet mix. All this is only a part of the wonderful lesson the God of the Universe has for this little tribe known as the Stevens, may the God of the universe give us the imagination for the big things that have been prepared in love for the world as well.
A follow up to a snarky post regarding Mark Driscoll
So in a previous silly post I made a statement about Mark Driscoll’s confusion. To his credit there has been a statement of repentance from the man: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/mark-driscoll-posts-open-letter-apology
His letter has been covered in a number of blogs and such, I have not read much but must say that I am hopeful that these are first fruits of some very good movement for Mark, Mars Hill and Acts 29. I long for a world where public repentance is not a major story by Christian leaders, but rather these ‘leaders’ live as publicly in their repentance as they do their celebritism. Praise be to God.
My Lenten Practice
This year it has not been easy for me to figure out what my practice during Lent will be. With only two weeks until Easter I have finally come to a decision. Still being new to the Episcopal worship practices and high church I struggle to genuflect (kneel) and make the sign of the cross at the appropriate times during the service. Instead of doing that for the next two weeks I am going to touch the part of my body I like the least at those moments and during the week spend a moment of meditation touching the same part of my body. My prayer will not be for change but rather healing, healing for the wounds that have brought about that part of my body, healing for the hatred I have had for myself, and healing in loving others in their wounds.
Spiritual Journey
Just last week I was asked to write a personal spiritual journey, since it was already written I thought I would share it. Please enjoy:
The earliest memories I have is from three years old, therefore I assume that the day our dog ran into the basement in fear from the thundering gun shot in our front yard must have taken place at three or younger because I only remember the scene through the stories 
I have been told. My dad left laying face down just feet from the two steps that were the promenade into what was the sidewalk leading to our house, thankfully he was not lying in a puddle of blood. The two young me ran down the street never to be scene again and as a child I always asked where my dad’s wallet ended up, I was told probably in a gutter somewhere. So in my minds eye I saw it in the storm drain that was at the end of each street in Baltimore, and on days I didn’t have much to do I would search them with the expectation that I would find my dad’s wallet. It was then my family began working on a plan to get out of Baltimore. When it was announced to me at ten years old that we would be moving to Howard County, I objected and said, “I’m a city boy and can’t live I the country.” To my ignorance Howard County was not the country, though my grandparents had a farm there, it was what I would later learn is known as a suburb. It was after moving out of the city and into a developing suburb that my walks and talks with God began. As a child it has been told me that I regularly said, “Where I come from…” and the statement was often followed with a transcendental explanation of some mystical element of something that there is no way I could have experienced or learned at that age. Church for me was home, though my family was not regular in attendance the liturgy was something that entered my mind like rekindling a memory and I would stand on the back porch with my best friend and neighbor signing to him what we had sung to God that particular Sunday morning. In spite of that, the walks and talks with God only began in Howard County. The housing development we moved into was incomplete and the sprawl had just begun to take over the fields that at the time of my father’s youth were bountiful and a place where he would find employment at one of the neighboring farms to my grandparents. Within a mile as the crow flies was one broken down barn that as a teen ager my dad work earning a quarter a day doing labor for the farm. Not far from that barn was a beautiful dead tree, it was there where my talks with God were most connected, as if the old tree served as a radio antennae that made both broadcast and reception clear and powerful. This did not happen day one when I moved to Howard County, as a matter of fact it took roughly six months, as I did not leave the house for the first six months except to go to school.
By seventh grade the horrible awakening that the city was different from the suburb had passed and I began to adopt and adjust. The walks continued but I also began to chase a girl which eventually again led me into the doors of a church and into a youth group. It was a fun and safe place for me, with cute girls, and I existed there for well over a year with little change taking place in me that I understood. Then similar to CS Lewis explaining his “coming to faith” I walked into a service knowing I was not a Christian and walked out knowing that I was one. This was much to the surprise of the leadership in my youth group, they had just assumed I was “on the team” and in retrospect I am grateful they didn’t know because any attempt to convince me would have sent me the opposite way.
Not long after that experience I came to an understanding that God had called me to serve him. When I told my dad this he responded, “No, you are going to become an engineer.” After remaining silent the follow up conversation between dad and me was about how he also at fourteen years old felt called so he joined minor seminary to become a catholic priest, it was only in his Senior year of high school that he discovered booze and women, the booze he could have gotten away with as a priest but the women was not kosher…so he left. I assured him I was not running off to seminary and at the time I was unsure what that even meant, but I am certain that God called me.
Roughly ten years later I completed a Masters and Divinity and was ordained as a minister in the Presbyterian Church of America. For almost four years I would serve as a minister at a church in Oakland California. I worked alongside a more senior pastor as an apprentice being groomed to go and start up churches for the denomination. At the end of that time my family had been suffering under undue financial pressures I decided to leave my position that I had out grown anyway. The leaving of that faith community had been the most difficult spiritual experience in my life and God met me eye ball to eye ball in a way I had never known. So me and my family made it like a bat out of hell back to Seattle, where my career would take me unstrategically and seamlessly from full time vocational ministry into the marketplace before I could even understand it.
While I ministered at the church in Oakland I had two family members that were extremely encouraging of my work. My catholic grandfather who went to daily mass each month would send me prayer cards with encouragements on the work I was doing. Also my grandmother Isabelle on my mom’s side would call me on the phone and we would have conversations about my work “Converting the Heathen” as she would call it. These two wildly different expression of faith are in my blood, each bring out a wild devotion in me to the other.
During the time back in Seattle, two shocking scandals with church rocked my family and my faith, one from afar with the community in Oakland and the second with the community where I served as an elder here in Seattle. It was after this and much more that we arrived at St. Paul’s and Melissa said to us in passing while on the stairs, “You are some of the refugees feel free to come here and rest.” We did and for the next year as anonymously as my family is able we merely attended St. Paul’s on Sunday, then before long we knew we were part of this family.
To summarize my spiritual journey I would say that thankfully it has been one that has evolved, who God has made me to be and my understanding of God has been stretched and changed in ways my imagination could never have gotten to, and I am excited about what else I don’t know. Also my spiritual journey has been a rapid and intense one, moderation is not part of my personality or the DNA of my family therefore the experiences we have gone through have been deep, amazing, hard, and crushing. Throughout it all the brokenness of my life has only led to depth and I pray it will continue to.
The Wall and a brief on my personal spiritual journey, Part II
Last week I began reflecting on my spiritual journey in the last four years as a result of realizing that perhaps I may have been unfair to casual observers of my life who do not have the insight into all that I have experienced during this time of deep depression and spiritual reformation. In my blog post, The Way and a brief on my personal spiritual journey, Part I I refer to the concept of the light post:
“Those familiar with C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia remember that the first place Lucy comes to in the new world of discovery is a light post, it serves as a marker between the new and the old. As the new is completely unfamiliar, threatening, and disorienting the light post serves as a marker even when they return home. Interestingly enough as the books progress the light post fades and the characters are almost fully engulfed in the new culture, they are changed with little need for the physical light post.”
My goal was to share three, the three most significant that I could recall and an interesting thing happened with that. This week as I prepared my heart and meditated on this post, a flood of light posts have come to mind. In what was certainly a desert time in my life of restoration and healing God did not leave me alone and did not feed me like a prisoner in concentration camp, rather I was like a person in cancer treatment where food does not taste good and any nutrients seem to merely pass through me at the same time I am being nourished.
One other thought I had this week was regarding this idea of lamp posts, in my neighborhood in Baltimore we used to call them streetlights. There were a ton of kids that I used to play with in the neighborhood and we basically ran the streets, yet the rule was when the streetlights came on it was time to head home. This was a universal signed for my brother and I that the day was over and it was time to rest. What is amazing with these streetlights or light posts is that I had no idea that I was being call to head home, as at the time if felt as if my home had been taken from me and I was alone. When you leave a denomination like the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) who if there is one thing they do well it is to be “correct”, by implication if you leave those who are “right” you are naturally now a person who is wrong. For someone that has struggle with shame for most of his life this idea of being wrong was not that I could merely be wrong theologically, but rather I was wrong at my core, disobedient, and wayward. All of this was a lie as I know realized that I was being called home.
Lauren Winner spoke roughly one year ago at the Kindlings Winterfest on Orcas Island, the topic was My Spiritual Journey (So Far), Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis. If you are interested you can check out the series of lectures on the the Kindlings website. As I had been deep in depression for more than three years, I was very interested in what Lauren had to share. To provide some background for those who do not know Lauren, I will give a heavily commentaried version of what I heard about her experience though she would likely share it much differently. Hopefully my description will be roughly accurate and not misrepresent Lauren at all, if it does I am glad to be corrected. After growing up as a child in a wonderful intellectually and spiritual challenging household, Lauren a practicing Jew converted to Christianity at some point in college. Lauren being the great thinker she is wrote a terribly popular book titled, “Girl Meets God.” This book was hugely successful within the evangelical community and because of the thoughtfulness and dramatic nature of Lauren’s conversion she became a darling. She was living proof that God converts smart people and everyone needed to know about it, for many Lauren’s story may end there as they know it. The next two books did not have the same impact as I understand Girl meets God had, Mudhouse Sabbath and Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity. Then Lauren went through complete deconstruction of this new faith (both Lauren and I would argue there was nothing “new” and conversion was not an accurate term for her transformation) she had found as her marriage dissolved. It is here that a Mid-Faith Crisis took hold, leading her to give up so much of what she understood as good and end up couch surfing at the home of a priest. Not only did the talk at Kindlings Winterfest come out of this time, but so did a book Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis. This book according to Christianity Today was called an instant spiritual classic.
I had visited my doctor during my depression for help as I had a period of six months where I was sleeping no more than two hours a night. On one visit I was talking about all the reading that I had been doing on depression and my doctor asked me if I had read anything related to a mid-life crisis. I laughed as a thirty six year old it sure seemed odd that I may be suffering from a mid-life crisis, but I followed my doctors instructions and was surprised. In short I had accomplished man of the goals I had set out to achieve including career, home, children, wife, and even had run a church. All of these things left me feeling short of complete and there was no great shot in the arm that could change the fact that I broken and dissatisfied. Fight Club put it like this:
Lauren Winners told me that there was a wall, this wall is one that God places in your life. The wall appears to be something placed in your life that is holding you back from moving forward and at first it is natural to fight against it, but all the fighting is worthless, all the talk is on deaf ears, and all the struggle is breaking down the life and the person that you have created and ultimately the god that you have created in your image. The fight breaks you and there is a point where you simply wait at the wall. There is no resolution or fix, after three years of depression I heard, this is meaningful and unchanging. Yes, there were the anti-depressants I went on to help me sleep that flat lined me emotionally but allowed me to function at work and at least contribute on some small level as a participant in my family. Though they did not remove the wall, the wall remained and until I heard from Lauren that it was okay I had no peace. Slowly over time the wall becomes not a hindrance but rather a place of stillness, rest, and ultimately comfort. This comfort is a similar for me as running a marathon or ultra, the body may be in pain but the mind is focused and enlightened through the discipline and discomfort. The Wall provided the same for my soul. Yes, reality as you once knew it breaks and you are left as a new person. Knowing that a fellow traveler had walked this path before was all I needed as a lamp post. Lauren Winner did not fix or change anything for me but she held up a light, and as I describe that all I can hear is the song This Little Light of Mine. Again Fight Club:
I still blush at the advice I gave to so many while I was a full time vocational pastor, a young man with great hope and naivety. There were many who I counseled that were going through depth that at the time I could not relate to. Yes, Jesus has suffered in every way you and I have, he has undergone even greater suffering then we can imagine. That is true and in the right moment something to remember. Though I learned that the Wall is so high at times that you may not be able to see the cross, the doubt is so strong that sitting in church makes you feel like a refugee to your core, the walk seems so long and hard that throwing yourself off a bridge seems like the best solution for everyone. The deep gratitude I have for Lauren Winner she cannot know, to journey to the wall is hard and then once again to share her life in public with many who are incapable of understanding the depth of what she has gone through. She is brave and courageous, and a great inspiration to me.
Web Theologian 